Jesus and the Tower of Terror

Why is it, that when I hear your voice, and I begin to see you start to work in a situation, I run and hide? Instead of just living in faith that I can trust you to carry out the work that that You began, I take cover by ignoring you, choosing instead to live in my restlessness worrying about what will happen?

I know I can trust You; that is not the problem. I know whatever happens Your will is perfect, and I’m good with that. I know that you are big enough to do whatever it is that you need to do.

However, this is how I feel right now: there is absolutely nothing I can do, so I’m just going to close my eyes, hold on tight and see where you take me. I feel totally out of control. And for someone who likes to be in control, this is not a fun ride. I absolutely HATE the “Tower of Terror.” I hate falling. But that’s what I feel like right now; I am falling, and all I can do is sit here strapped in your grace (which offers me security, I must admit), but the ride scares me to death. The whole time I know I’m going to be okay, that you aren’t going to let me crash at the bottom, but I hate falling. I hate being out of control. Some people thrive on the rush, but it makes me angry. Literally. I get mad at the people who made me get on the ride, mad at the people who built the ride, and mad at the people who strapped me in and told me to “have a good time.” Seriously? A good time? Whatever. I am shaking here just thinking about it.

Back to real life. There is nothing I can do. But why do I choose to fret and be miserable instead of running to you and just resting? I know that’s what you offer; I’ve been there time and time again. Yet I hide from You. Nothing good comes out of being angry, or frustrated, or anxious. But everything good comes from resting under your wing. I come out fresh, restored, and able to soar. When I choose to fret and worry, I crawl out from under the rock I’ve been hiding under sore, cramped, grumpy and irritable.

Irritable. That’s a great word to describe what this is doing to me. Making me irritable. Yet, I know if I choose to “be still,” I know I will have “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and self-control.” Hmmm…not a hard decision.

So, in the midst of this fall, I am going to rest. Stop screaming and thrashing about, and just chill. Not be afraid of the fall, or even where the ride will end. Because even I have to admit, once the ride is over, you feel pretty good. You are proud of yourself; “I just DID that.” And there is one thing that gives me more hope than anything else: the prize for finishing this ride is more than a rush. God doesn’t send us on these faith falls just for fun, just to give us a thrill. He does it so He can give us more of Himself. So I am going to quit worrying about the outcome, and just rest knowing however this ends, I will have more of Jesus when it’s all over.

So please excuse me, but I need to go curl up in my Father’s lap for a while.